Jul. 11th, 2009

gearboxtheory: (Vincent)
I... really hate myself some times.  Make that most times.  Since the only times I'm not mulling over how much of a failure I've become are when I've buried myself in something to forget about it- which I hate myself for later.

Maybe there is something to the idea of getting everything that bothers me OUT, instead of just inwardly beating myself up for my shortcomings.  I've never been one to take well to advice- because I end up beating myself for not following through as opposed to any sort of resentment towards those who gave it... but if trying to deal with my problems by myself for 5 years hasn't worked, should I really expect it to work if I shoot for a 6th?

Maybe that's the biggest thing...  The one thing that stuck with me most in the talks a friend and I had in high school.  How he had a different face for every situation- but I was always the same, regardless of the situation or who I interacted with, I never put up a front to fit with the rest.  And he respected that.

I can't do that anymore.  And in retrospect no, that's not the biggest problem.  That would be the fact that for all my ideals and talk about the nature and value of hard work, I can never get myself to put in the effort to move forward.

But anyway... that's the second problem.  I've let myself slip into the convenience of having a mask for every situation.  But I don't have any place I feel like I can show my real face anymore- show every side and not just the socially apropriate facets.  All my musings on the mundane and intellectual, my insecurities and the way I manage to be genuinely cheerful in spite of them, and especially the darker elements... stuff I've been raised too polite to ever consider mentioning aloud... Nobody really knows ME anymore... Not even myself, really.

And I really doubt it's helping me that I never get sleep on Saturdays anymore.


gearboxtheory: (Default)

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