The machine grinds ever forward

So I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in my accounting class- possibly one of the few taking the course in any class this semester- that actually understands what's going down.

Had our first exam out of three today.  Was worried about the multiple choice section because the language they use can be needlessly cryptic, but I managed to nail it perfectly.  The other half consisted of putting together various financial reports.  Almost perfect, except I'm not sure if I got one particularly cryptic account entry right.  Oh, and when they made the test, one of the figures was wrong, so basically everyone's third report wasn't balancing, at least until the test proctors caught it.

After I got out though, my god.  Everyone was talking about how worried they were, how they never did this stuff in the same way taking business courses in high school (didn't have that shit BACK IN MY DAY)  and one guy mentioning how he figures it takes everyone about three tries to actually pass the course.

I managed to act like I understood how they felt, and didn't give them even a tiny shit-eating grin.

Stolen from Rel.  Doing this instead of sleeping because I'm a dumbass.

A is for age: 26
B is for beer of choice: New Belgium's 1554.  Though just about any dark beer is good in my book.
C is for career right now: Fast food peon, on fast-track to management, though school may or may not get in the way of that in a couple months.
D is for your dog's name: I has a cat.  His name is Izzy.  Didn't name him, but progressively made it more nonsensical until I finally started calling him "pickle".
E is for essential item you use everyday: My computer.  Wait, no, yeah.  Totally my computer.  I live at this bitch.
F is for favorite TV show: Airing now?  Symbionic Titan.
G is for favorite game to watch: I have been known to be bored less watching football than other sports.
H is for hometown: I grew up out in the country, so I refuse to claim a home town.
I is for instruments you play: *played- Guitar.  Just not very well, and I couldn't play it if I tried these days.
J is for favorite juice: Orange.  Nothing that rhymes with it, nothing that equals it.
K is for whose butt you'd like to be kicking: I've got a spreadsheet somewhere...
L is for the last place you ate at: Right here.  Best gorram Chinese food I've ever had comes from the freezer section at Walmart.  Go figure.
M is for marriage: Once I've got the rest of my life in order.
N is for your name: Patrick Chrisjohn Evans III
O is for overnight hospital stay: I probably should have when I got a stomach virus at college.  Ended up trying to keep down crackers and Powerade until the student health center opened up, then spent a half hour... mostly in the waiting room before getting seen, and having two full bags of IV fluids pumped into me.
P is for people you were with today: The people I work with, and my mother and grandmother.  Like every day.  Shoot me.
Q is for what your best quality is: According to an old and trusted friend, at least: that I'm always true to myself.
R is for what you're currently reading:  Crossroads of Twilight, Wheel of Time book #10
S is for what your relationship status: Single.
T is for the time you woke up today: 10 AM.  Just enough time to wash up, shove some toast in my face, and shamble off to McPurgatory.
U is for type of underwear you have on: Boxers.  Black/Grey.  Thought they were plaid, but the pattern is... not-plaid.
V is for vegetable you love: Green beans.
W is for worst habit: Imma lazy bastard.  And I don't get enough sleep.  Ha.
X is for x-rays you've had: Broken finger... chest x-ray for something... and of course, every 6 months at the dentist.
Y is for some yummies: Fudge.  I accidentally a whole one.  It wasn't bad.
Z is for zodiac sign: Aquarius.

And I was going to add a cut.  But fuck it, I'm hardcore like that.

No freaking clue if anyone who actually pays attention to me here is a foodie, but I thought I should share this

Red, Hot, Baked Macaroni

8oz macaroni
30oz tomato sauce
1lb italian sausage
1/8 tsp salt
1/4 tsp black pepper
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp basil
1/2 tsp parsley
1/2 cup romano cheese
1/4 cup parmesan cheese
1/4 cup italian bread crumbs
1tbsp olive oil

break up sausage and brown
add sauce and spices to pan with sausage and heat through
cook macaroni and drain
combine pasta and sauce in 2qt casserole dish along with 1/4 cup of romano cheese
layer remaining romano, breadcrumbs, and parmesan on top
bake at 350 degrees for 22-25 min.

1. Go to Google and type, "you know you're from (your city or state) when..."
2. Cut and paste the list.
3. Bold the items that apply to you.


Now, I could have just stolen the list right off of saria 's post, but I thought I'd try to at least be a little original.
( Herpaderpa )

I hate my brain.  Here's a quick list to summarize the last two hours for me

• Watch Food Network
• Ponder virtue of chef/restaurateur career vs the other lines of work I occasionally ponder
• Find some small amusement in my belief that I need to live many more lifetimes before I accomplished half of what I'd like to re: career/hobbies/life experiences.
• Ponder LJ post about it, to get myself more in the habit of communicating with the outside world
• Become despondent as thoughts of spending at least one of those lifetimes as a hikkikomori leads to wondering why I live so much like one now.
• Further depress myself by reading up on adult ADD, finding the list of primary symptoms to be an almost perfect mirror of what I've long concluded are the primary faults keeping me in my current rut.
• Finally get back to this post, completely rewriting it.

Now if only I could stop procrastinating long enough to actually seek professional help...

Fucking kill me.  No, seriously.  Finally logged onto one of the other computers in the house to check email/etc.  Decided to run a connection speed test.   300kbps.  Shit needs RECTIFYING.

Edit: apparently CenturyLink is retardedly  inconsistent, so it may not be so simple as chipping in to pay for a higher-end service package.  But a solution will be found.

Last day of work today.  As of midnight, I'll be unemployed.  On one hand, it feels like just another day.  On the other, it's good to know I'll finally be leaving all the hate, stress, and raw, unadulterated hate (did I mention the hate already?  cause there was a lot of it.) behind.  Working for this place has defined most of the last 6 years of my life, and it's not a definition I'm entirely fond of.

I've put a lot of thought into my plans for what to do with my life now.  I've spent my time since I failed out of college working for just over minimum wage, telling myself I'd eventually go back to school once I had the money- but between cost of living and recreational spending, I've only ever managed to survive from paycheck to paycheck.  And all these years, my family has offered to pay for me to finish college, as long as I did it living with them.  I could have gone for a Pell Grant or something similar, and kept up my life here in Raleigh... but I think what I really need right now is to step away from the life I've been living.  I did sign up for a couple classes a few years back, tried to balance them and work, and ended up dropping out within the first couple of weeks.

My life is still here in Raleigh, but if I really do want to do something besides subsist, I can't keep living the way I have been.  The last page of Mac Hall (and apparently Corinthians) put it best, I think.  "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, felt like a child.  Now that I am a man, I must put aside childish things."   As it is, I have far too many goals for any single lifetime, and seeing to even a small fraction of them before the end will require work.

...I've rambled on long enough.  time for more drinking and enjoying my escape from hell.

Well, today's gone from crap to kinda win.  First I wake up to still not having power in the house.  We got cut off around midday yesterday because we owed a huge power bill that included NEXT month, and after paying at 5pm yesterday, it took them only 21 hours to finally get someone out here to turn it back on.  But now that it's back on, the house is nice and warm again, and I have my computer.

Also, I now have the day off.  Mostly out of necessity, since I only had one day off scheduled this week, and there were no other real options on the table for my boss.  so \o/

I... really hate myself some times.  Make that most times.  Since the only times I'm not mulling over how much of a failure I've become are when I've buried myself in something to forget about it- which I hate myself for later.

Maybe there is something to the idea of getting everything that bothers me OUT, instead of just inwardly beating myself up for my shortcomings.  I've never been one to take well to advice- because I end up beating myself for not following through as opposed to any sort of resentment towards those who gave it... but if trying to deal with my problems by myself for 5 years hasn't worked, should I really expect it to work if I shoot for a 6th?

Maybe that's the biggest thing...  The one thing that stuck with me most in the talks a friend and I had in high school.  How he had a different face for every situation- but I was always the same, regardless of the situation or who I interacted with, I never put up a front to fit with the rest.  And he respected that.

I can't do that anymore.  And in retrospect no, that's not the biggest problem.  That would be the fact that for all my ideals and talk about the nature and value of hard work, I can never get myself to put in the effort to move forward.

But anyway... that's the second problem.  I've let myself slip into the convenience of having a mask for every situation.  But I don't have any place I feel like I can show my real face anymore- show every side and not just the socially apropriate facets.  All my musings on the mundane and intellectual, my insecurities and the way I manage to be genuinely cheerful in spite of them, and especially the darker elements... stuff I've been raised too polite to ever consider mentioning aloud... Nobody really knows ME anymore... Not even myself, really.

And I really doubt it's helping me that I never get sleep on Saturdays anymore.